Numb
by SummerInTheCity
Summary: Again, terrible at summaries. It's more of a heavy TnS fic.
1. Hell

**Um yeah so this story is going to deal with some sensitive topics. I really don't want to say too much and give it away, but if you do like it then it would be awesome if you review and tell me what you think about it so far.**

My feet fell heavy on the sagging stairs as I trudge upwards with my head hung low. This godforsaken dilapidated building was a giant coffin. The pale green paint on the walls was peeling and flaking off. Little bits off plaster scattered the floor alongside people with soulless eyes. During my first few experiences in this hellhole I had to stop and hold myself until I stopped my violent shaking and was able to keep my sobs in. Since then I've frequented the place more than enough times to desensitize myself to its effects. Once at the top of the stairs I looked out at the familiar hall and forced my legs to carry me further still. When I come to a point in hall where a light is out or is flickering I instinctively quicken my pace until I can identify my surroundings again. It takes everything inside me to ignore the sad drug addicts leaning against the walls, some I have to step over to continue until I get to my destination.

I don't need to check the door number before I knock. It also doesn't take long before movement can be heard coming from inside. A latch is undone and the door is opened to the width that the chain lets it. Movements were executed so quickly that in no time before I could fully look up the door was closed, chain unhooked, and opened all the way. Before me stood the most tragic and beautiful girl who shattered my heart every time I saw her. Sara's clothes hung limply off her thin body. It's been years since I've seen her without bags under tired eyes. I took a step inside and closed and locked the door behind me while my sister walked to the bed and lit up a cigarette.

"What the fuck are you looking at? Either get to the point of why you're here or get the fuck out."

I reached into my pocket, produced a handful of bills, walked over, and placed them on the nightstand. Sara grabbed a condom and tossed it at me. I didn't have the best reaction time so it fell to the floor and I bent down to retrieve it.

"Oh for fucks sake Tegan, think you could move any slower?"

That being said, I picked up the condom and sat awkwardly on the bed. Sara proceeded to take my pants and underwear off, smoke in mouth. She left to go put out her cigarette. This was my cue to insert the condom. While I waited for her to return I looked at the ceiling. It was the only thing that didn't make me want to vomit. Sara came back and started the normal routine. Like all the other times, I closed my eyes and tried to escape to a place where I wasn't paying my sister for sex because she refuses money from me any other way, arguing that she isn't some kind of charity. She tells me that she doesn't need my help but I can tell the only reason Sara barley holds on is because I make these trips to this terrible place. Her fingers thrust into me again and again before I clutched the bed as I felt myself about to cum. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood because I'm terrified to yell out Sara's name when I climax. I took a second to gather myself before I opened my eyes again and wiped away the fresh blood.

Sara stood and watched as I fumbled with my pants. I made my way to the door and out of the corner of my eye I saw one of her needles on the floor. My sister's drug problem has been a sickening obvious but unspoken situation for years. Sara also hasn't spoken to any of our family for years. This is the only way I see her and make sure she's not dead on a street somewhere. Our family also assumes that Sara refuses to speak to me as well, which is somewhat of the truth. I love her so fucking much and I wish with all my heart that I could pry her away from the place where I was sure she would die, but Sara was a slave to the needle and I was merely a way to pay for another fix. Did I feel guilty about giving my sister the money for more heroin and whatever else she was probably on? It killed me to think that way. I knew mostly what she was paying for but I also knew that she had to eat even though she didn't look like she had in days. She also had to pay rent. I could only hope that at least a portion of my sex money was going towards her keeping herself alive.

Sara really did look thinner than normal, and before I started down the hallway I timidly asked if she would like to go get something to eat with me. Her response was slamming the door in my face and locking it. I wasn't expecting my sister to come eat with me and I was beginning to feel that offers similar to that were becoming less and less realistic to be accepted.

Before exiting the building into the night I pulled my hoodie over my head and moved my hair to cover the shame in my eyes. This part of town eats people alive and it was best to try and look as much like a guy as I could before I got to the bus. On the bus I held my head in my hands and tried to think back to when things first started to spiral out of control.


	2. Going, Going, Gone

**Considering how productive I'm being today (aka waking up before noon), I'm finally going to update. Hooray! But it's short.**

"What?"

"Gay… I-I'm a lesbian."

"No. No. You're dating that guy uh Josh yeah"

"We don't go out anymore and I'm dating this girl. Her name's Lauren."

"Liar! Stop fucking lying!"

"I'm telling the truth!" Tears spilled down my face and I remember trying to wipe them away but my shaking hands couldn't move fast enough.

"Sara listen to me," my stepfather held me by my shoulders, "you are not gay. You're just confused that's all. You are not to see this Lauren girl understand?" I understood. I understood everything my parents were saying.

"I just don't know where I went wrong." My mother held her head in her hands.

"It's not your fault. It's just who I am. It's natural."

"You're sick that's what. I can't believe you insist that's natural."

"Um-" it wasn't until then that I realized my sister was in the room.

"Tegan go to your room now." Tegan kept her head down as she walked out. What a pushover. My stepfather turned his attention towards me again.

"I'm giving you one last chance, either acknowledge that you are wrong or leave. I don't need this shit in my house." An ultimatum, yeah I played his game.

I shielded my eyes with my hair and gave a nod. _Smack_. My head fell to the side. "Don't ever try to pull a stunt like that again and wipe that smirk off your face." My mind was racing with hundreds of ideas for what I was going to do. I didn't have time to be concerned with my parents anymore.

Back in my room I grabbed my backpack and started stuffing it with clothes. They would have kicked me out anyway. A picture of Tegan and I caught my eye and I threw that in too. I was packed but it wasn't time to leave just yet. A can of black spray paint was stashed in my closet. Perfect. I placed my guitar in its case and left my room for the last time. Leaving my mark in huge dripping black letters on my wall, PROUD.

I slipped in Tegan's room and silently closed her door behind me. My guitar and backpack fell to the floor. Tegan laid on her bed facing out her window. A ray of moonlight silhouetted her body. I kicked my shoes off and lay next to her.

"I'm sorry….I should have stood up for you. I'm just not strong like you are." It killed me to know I was leaving her.

"It's fine, really. That was my fight." I shifted so I could reach her hands and place my head on her shoulder. "I'm leaving."

"Yeah I know. I'll miss you…so much."

"I know but it's not like we won't ever see each other again." I hoped off the bed.

"And I'm taking your shoes" I pushed my own shoes under her bed and put her hi tops on. I stood and got ready to say goodbye. I walked in front of Tegan and opened her window. "I love you" I turned to look at a watery eyed Tegan staring back at me. I kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, "Love you too babe, always." With that I quickly and quietly jumped out her window.

I left my house without looking back. Close by was a gas station where I planned to call my girlfriend. She had been emancipated and was living somewhere downtown. I leaned my guitar against the payphone and put the money in.

"Hey sweetie it's me, listen I need you to pick me up. I'll explain later."

Tegan always thought she was the weaker one. She couldn't have been more wrong.

**Going out in about 5 minutes so I'm ending it here. ****Might**** update later.**


	3. Set Yourself On Fire

**Sorry guys that I've been a really shitty updater. This is kind of just a chapter to get over writer's block and get the story moving. So keep your unicorns and cake….unless I get the next chapter up quickly. **

The two months that succeeded the night I ran away are a blur of people, parties, and sleeping on the roof of an old abandoned building with my girlfriend, Lauren. I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't care. The building where we lived was a home for anyone who needed a place to stay. Lauren knew everyone and I met more people my first week there than I had before in my seventeen years of existence. Nothing mattered anymore. My time was spent hanging out and getting wasted. Often I would wonder how Tegan was doing.

One night in particular stands out in my memory. Beer in hand, I was dancing in between Kristen and Emily in the room they occupied. About ten other people were there too but I can't remember who. Everyone was jumping around and dancing to Weezer's album Pinkerton which was blasting through a new set of speakers. Emily and Kristen were part of the handful of people at our building who received any income. Both supported their shared heroin habit through prostitution and they had been making enough money to set aside for the new speakers that were shaking the walls. I never could understand how they could be so dependent on a drug that they would sell their bodies for it.

As I nodded my head and moved to the beat between the girls, I saw Lauren leaning in the doorframe, looking at me. I smiled and wiggled out of the dance sandwich I was in the middle of to walk over. I crossed the room and slipped my arms around my girlfriend's neck. Her blue eyes shone through her shaggy blonde bangs and she leaned down and kissed me. Kristen skipped over and Emily was close behind.

"THE NEW SPEAKERS SOUND GREAT!" Lauren tried to yell over the music.

"WHAT?" Emily yelled back

"NEVERMIND, COME ON" Lauren gestured to the hall.

The four of us shuffled into the hall and closed the door but it was still too loud, so we found an empty room and sat on the floor. Lauren produced a ball of aluminum from her pocket and unfolded it to reveal a ball of black goo. This was a ritual between the three of them. Kristen and Emily were daily users but Lauren occasionally indulged. Normally they left me alone while they went to go get fucked up. Lauren would come back most of the time to lay her head on my stomach and talk to me about whatever popped into her head.

Kristen pulled out her lighter and a straw then began inhaling. One by one they placed the straw between their lips and the lighter under the foil. After Lauren finished she handed the foil to me. I opened my mouth but before I could say anything she took it back.

"Sorry babe, forgot" she leaned over to hand it to Kristen

"Wait," I said. Everyone paused to look at me.

"I… kind of want to try it"

"Yeah, you sure?" Lauren held out the foil.

"Yeah, just to see what it's like." I took the foil and straw.

"Just inhale, it's not hard"

Lauren held the lighter and I hesitated for a moment but still inhaled. My eyes closed and I felt an amazing rush of warmth course through my body. Never had I felt so good before. Nothing came close to that indescribable feeling. I wanted to stay in that place forever, but a good thing never lasts. I vomited right after the rush left my body, but I wasn't really concerned about that. Lauren helped me up off the ground and we climbed up on the roof. Sitting cross legged on the roof I absentmindedly scratched at my legs. Everything was great, nothing was bad. I felt better than ever and I wanted it to stay that way.

Another month went by and with my encouragement Lauren and I used heroin more and more frequently. Every passing day I would think less and less of Tegan and more and more of my new hobby. Soon I stopped thinking about her all together. I started doing odd jobs around town so I could pay for heroin. It was devouring my life.

Around midnight one night, I was on the roof, under a blanket, stargazing. I didn't realize Lauren was sitting next to me until she cleared her throat. It took less than a minute for her to tell me she was leaving and kiss me goodbye. My heart felt like it was ripped out then shredded to pieces as I looked over my rooftop to watch her leave and climb in the passenger side of a truck that sped off down the street. It dawned on me that I had done the same to Tegan. The girl I had completely forgot about. Then I was sick with myself. I wanted to run home and cradle Tegan in my arms.


	4. Sometime Around Midnight

**Okay so I'm definitely trying harder to make this a better story. Let me know if you dig it. Took foreverrr to write.**

Present Day

"Tegan, look what I can do!"

I looked up from my laptop to watch my girlfriend's five year old son run into my living room and slide on the hardwood floor until he ever so gracefully crashed into the coffee table I had my feet propped up on. I took my reading glasses off and buried my face in my hands before looking up again. Jeremy had already bounced back up off the floor.

"Kid, you're gonna really hurt yourself one day." I stood up and stretched

"Nah I'll be fine" he shrugged

"It's not you I'm worried about," I ruffled his hair as I walked past him to enter the kitchen. "Your mom would kill me if you got injured while I was watching you. Need anything while I'm up?" I poured myself a glass of milk.

"No thanks" now he was spinning and making himself dizzy.

Just then Rachael, my girlfriend, opened the door. Jeremy flopped on his back from dizziness.

"Mommy!" he yelled from the floor.

"Hey cutie!" she picked him up. "Have you been behaving for Tegan?"

I leaned against the wall and took a sip of my milk.

"I've been really good! Right Tegan?"

"You're always good." I smiled.

Rachael told him to gather his things in guest bedroom together so we could have some time alone in the living room. She sauntered over and rested her arm around my neck.

"You know, I would've expected Jeremy to be the one sporting a milk mustache." She chuckled and I wiped my mouth.

"Let me help" she leaned in and sucked my lip. I pulled her in closer as I thanked God for giving me such a heavenly girlfriend. She pulled back when little footsteps could be heard coming down the hall. Jeremy appeared dragging his backpack behind him with one hand while the other was occupied rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"All right I guess it's time we go home. Way past your bedtime mister."

I walked them to the door and gave Rachael a goodnight kiss.

"Thanks again for watching him while I work these evening shifts. You're a big help and I know he can be a handful sometimes."

"Hey it's no problem. I like having him around." I looked down at Jeremy who was trying to lick his elbow. "But I would also like some time for just the two of us."

"Don't worry sweetie I promise once my work schedule gets straightened out we will have more than enough time."

We shared one last kiss before they left and I closed the door. Then I turned everything off and collapsed on the couch. Lights from the street below decorated the walls of my empty apartment. I wished that Rachael and Jeremy didn't always have to leave. They seem to keep away any dark thoughts I might have. Before I met Rachael, Sara had swallowed my life entirely. Rachael doesn't know she exists and I'm not about to change that anytime soon. I still see Sara but I'm sick of constantly wondering if she's okay or what I could've done to change the present. Maybe I could have saved her.

It had been about four months since I last saw Sara. At first I was heartbroken without her, but that sadness slowly turned into anger towards her for leaving me. I stayed home wishing the only person I cared about would come back for me. I came to hate myself for being so dependent on her. I was so weak I couldn't stand it. By the night she showed up outside my window I was bitter and unsympathetic.

I was practicing guitar when I heard her small taps on my window. Outside was my runaway sister wearing a pair of ripped up jeans and hoodie with the sleeves cut off. Her hair was now slightly shaggy and her bangs had grown over her eyes. I open the window for her and waited silently on my bed cross legged for her to climb in my room.

Once inside, Sara simply stood next to my window and watched me. I was growing more uncomfortable by the second and focused my eyes on anything but her. She was going to have to break the silence first, and she did.

"Have you been practicing guitar a lot?" she asked in a raspy voice.

"Yeah"

She cleared her throat

"Are you mad at me?"

"…no" I lied

About thirty more seconds of silence passed then a loud growl came from Sara's stomach.

"Hungry?" I kept my eyes averted.

"I guess so"

I got up and started walking down the dark hallway. When I didn't hear Sara behind me I stopped and looked back. She was in my doorway looking down the opposite end of the hall.

"They're not home. Out of town for a couple days."

She nodded and trailed behind me through the dark house to the kitchen. I flipped on the light switch. Bright white light flooded every corner, chasing away the shadows. I squinted as my eyes adjusted but Sara was already in the pantry. I watched as she made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When she finished, she put everything away and poured a glass of water. My eyes never left her. It felt like a dream.

"Where have you been?" My eyes followed as she walked over to the table to take a seat on top.

"With Lauren" she replied mid chew.

I cringed at the thought of her loser girlfriend.

"How is Lauren?"

Sara took a gulp of her water and set her glass back down on the table.

"Gone"

"Gone?" I questioned.

Sara paused from eating to fiddle with her sandwich.

"She left me" Sara answered in a small voice

"Oh"

Deep down I felt bad for her, but at that moment I couldn't help myself from feeling victorious. Like she got what she deserved. A smirk accidentally slipped onto my face.

"You think that's funny?" Sara jumped off the table. I immediately felt regret. I shouldn't have even thought like that.

"No. I…I'm sorry. Really."

"Oh fuck off"

My brief sensitivity to her situation instantly came to a halt.

"Jesus, Sara, I said sorry."

"Whatever, I hoped that my own sister would be happy I came back to see her. Maybe I shouldn't have such high hopes." She took a step towards me.

"Don't even try to make me feel bad for you because I'm all out of sympathy for you now. You can't just come back and expect me to throw you a fucking welcome home party. You are the one that left, not me." I advanced with no intentions of backing down.

"Oh like I was going to stay here and take our parents shit! Why can't you just be happy to see me?" We were then less than a foot apart.

"Maybe I didn't want to see you!" I yelled in her face.

She looked like a kicked puppy but I couldn't stop.

"You know what? Life goes on without you. I don't need you. I don't fucking want you!"

Sara stood in front of me clenching her fists. She bit her lip and swung at me but I moved out of the way before her fist could come in contact with my face. I felt the back of my knee being kick and soon I was falling to the floor, but not without taking Sara with me. We blindly exchanged blows. Sara hit me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. I violently kicked her away then curled up and gasped for breath. Finding that I could breathe normally again, I wiped my watery eyes and turned back to Sara who sat panting. Our eyes met and I lunged at her. We rolled across the floor and stopped at the legs of the kitchen table. I had Sara pinned underneath me. Over four months worth of pent up rage poured out.

I jerked Sara up by her collar and slammed her back down so her head was under the table, next to the corner leg. I repeatedly punched Sara in the side of her head. Each time I hit her, the other side of her face would hit the table leg, causing the table to shake. Tears ran down my face and dripped on my bloody sister. She was crying too but I couldn't tell if they were caused by physical or emotional pain. I didn't know if I would ever stop.

_CRASH_

The table must have been shaken enough for Sara's glass of water to fall. It shattered on the floor next to us. Sara let out a piercing shriek. A shard of glass was sticking out the side of her neck.

"Oh God! Oh fuck no! Sara what should I do?" I panicked

"Take it out. Take it out. Take it out." She replied from between clenched teeth. Her eyes were tightly shut.

I had my fingers on the glass but my hands trembled too much for me to do anything. Slowly, I drew a breath and pulled the glass out of Sara's neck. It wasn't big enough or deep enough to do any real damage. I got to my feet and sprinted to get the first aid kit. Sara kept her eyes squeezed closed as I cleaned and bandaged her would.

"Okay," I sighed, "all done."

She opened her eyes and sat up.

"I'm really so so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Are you okay?" I slide some of the glass away with my shoe.

"Forget me" she looked alarmed "Can you not feel the glass in your own arm?"

I looked down and sure enough there were two small pieces of glass just above my elbow.

"It's nothing" I mumbled and swiftly plucked to glass from my arm.

Sara ran her fingers over her bloody face. Her nose bled, as did her lip. I had given her a nasty black eye that would surely stay for a while too. I bowed my head as sobs shook my body. Sara pulled me in and I buried my head in her chest. My guard had completely crumbled. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep in her arms was a whispered "I'm sorry."

The next morning I woke up in my bed with no recollection of how I got there. I walked in the kitchen to find that the glass had been cleaned up and there was no blood on the floor. I was alone again but I didn't feel the same as before. I felt released and reborn. I still loved Sara but I could now be apart from her. As much as she tried to hide it, I could still read her as well as I could the night she left. She wasn't okay. Something happened while she was gone. It was that moment when I decided I would one day bring the old Sara back.


End file.
